The Top Crime Of The Century.

I've witnessed my fair share of criminal activity. Underage drinking, illegal drug use, grand theft auto, fire bombing a man's car because he took your parking space, and those shoes....aaawful.

But last week, I witnessed a crime, so heinous, so cruel, I was frozen in my shoes, too frightened to report it.

I was shopping at my local Pioneer grocery store when I saw a dodgy looking individual walk in. The suspect was a male caucasian wearing green cargo pants, a green camouflage jacket and an inconspicuous aqua-marine gilttery cowboy hat. Suspect had long brown hair being pressed on the sides by the hat's chin strap making him look like a cocker-spaniel.

While the milk section, picking out the latest date, I witnessed this individual leave the asian cuisine aisle, move, like a cat, into the plastic and paper product aisle. I then saw the suspect, with the skill and cunning of a man trying to put a package of Top Ramen down his pants, put a package of Top Ramen down his pants.

Suspect then proceeded to meander through the store, pocket a'crinklin, avoiding detection. I, then, lost the suspect in the frozen foods section as a sign for half price Ben & Jerry's diverted my attention.

Now, I'm a fine upstanding citizen, and I felt for a moment that I should report the beglittered one, but then I didn't. I'm not sure if it was a matter of not wanting to get involved, or the fact that if I did get involved that I would be dealing with police reports and the manager over a matter of 27¢. Ultimately, I think I chickened out...over the matter of 27¢.

A friend of mine suggested that maybe it was a homeless person just trying to get food. Not a bad argument. Could be. Then I would feel less like a fink. But would someone without food, intent on stealing something, steal an item that is not only the lowest rung of the culinary food chain, but an item that needs preparation before eating? One aisle over there were ready made sandwiches, sushi, drinks, yogurt etc. Top Ramen seems like a bad choice if you are really hungry.

No. I subscribe to the idea that this man needed that Ramen. This wasn't a crime of passion. This was a cold and calculated robbery, only exacerbated by the fact that the 27¢ is amortized over the rest of the products in the store ultimately hitting us, the law-abiding consumers in our pockets.

Next time I see McCoy, I'll let him know. There is no statute of limitations* on Ramen.

*'Statute of limitations' is used here to mean shelf life.

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