Marriage - Shawano Style

Two very important people were wed this weekend. So a backed-with-love "congratulations" go out to Josh and Krista who are livin' it up Caribbean style as we speak.

The wedding took place in Shawano (pronounced Shwano), WI. And while the wine was in the bottles, the funk was on tap. After what I assume was a pretty traditional Catholic ceremony, and a brief post "peace be with you" lunch of fried chicken and pie, we had a 5 hour dancethon that didn't "hip hop ya don't stop until the breaka-breaka-down of the tables because we need the room tomorrow...thanks".

The dancing was wild. It was raining men, we were busting a move, and the rapping? Delightful. There was even a chicken dance-hora medley. Later on the evening yielded a marathon air guitar session, unmatched by any Bar Mitzvah inflatable novelty. Toward the evening's end, that same motion was moved up towards the neck for some pretty sick air fiddling.

Next time...we break out the cardboard. You can call me Ozone.

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Another Type Of Crime.

I just got an email from my high school reunion committee giving up the goods on the upcoming soiree. In the details was the cost. Not the opportunity cost, because that's obvious. No, the monetary cost.

Let's backtrack to 1994 and my prom, which was at the Waldorf-Astoria. At the time the prom committee charged us $75 per person -- A hefty sum for someone with no real source of income. I, in return, borrowed a tux, safety pinned my dad's cummerbund to fit and drove my parents car to the prom. And frankly, that's how it should be. No limo's, no canes or other obvious affectations (thought it was lovely cane weather). I remember, as at any good prom, there was controversy over the senior song. It was supposed to be "Madonna's" "This used to be my playground," the über downer, but was switched at the last minute, naturally, to "Sweet Home Alabama." While the three country boys in our class hooted and hollered, I was planning my escape. For the $150 bucks, plus parking, plus other frills I spent on what was otherwise a gloriously unmemorable evening, I would have been better off driving into the city and waving it around waiting to get mugged. At least that would have felt like closure.

Now at our last reunion, which was half the current reunion's price, I walked in, met three or four people, was assaulted by some dude eager to introduce me* (*read anyone) to his wife, and walked out. I left with the same people I see regularly. We went to a café and had a great time. I was out $70-80 bucks, but the company was exquisite.

Thank G@d that Robin is having a pre-soiree soiree. Again giving me the opportunity to pre-salvage what I'm sure will be an evening filled with controversy.

Again, at the last one, when I went to use the loo, there were three former classmates in there talking about their d!cks. I can't help but think how they were just where I left them.

I'm not sure if there is anything redeemable in going to the reunion. I don't feel an overwhelming voyeuristic need to peer into my former classmates lives to see if they did better or worse than me. Furthermore, I can probably save everyone the lipservice of the "oh yeah, I keep in better touch," or the "yeah, let's hang out" empty promise.

But like the third episode the StarWars, I'm probably going to this too. It just seems like a lot to pay if it becomes bail-worthy.

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The Top Crime Of The Century.

I've witnessed my fair share of criminal activity. Underage drinking, illegal drug use, grand theft auto, fire bombing a man's car because he took your parking space, and those shoes....aaawful.

But last week, I witnessed a crime, so heinous, so cruel, I was frozen in my shoes, too frightened to report it.

I was shopping at my local Pioneer grocery store when I saw a dodgy looking individual walk in. The suspect was a male caucasian wearing green cargo pants, a green camouflage jacket and an inconspicuous aqua-marine gilttery cowboy hat. Suspect had long brown hair being pressed on the sides by the hat's chin strap making him look like a cocker-spaniel.

While the milk section, picking out the latest date, I witnessed this individual leave the asian cuisine aisle, move, like a cat, into the plastic and paper product aisle. I then saw the suspect, with the skill and cunning of a man trying to put a package of Top Ramen down his pants, put a package of Top Ramen down his pants.

Suspect then proceeded to meander through the store, pocket a'crinklin, avoiding detection. I, then, lost the suspect in the frozen foods section as a sign for half price Ben & Jerry's diverted my attention.

Now, I'm a fine upstanding citizen, and I felt for a moment that I should report the beglittered one, but then I didn't. I'm not sure if it was a matter of not wanting to get involved, or the fact that if I did get involved that I would be dealing with police reports and the manager over a matter of 27¢. Ultimately, I think I chickened out...over the matter of 27¢.

A friend of mine suggested that maybe it was a homeless person just trying to get food. Not a bad argument. Could be. Then I would feel less like a fink. But would someone without food, intent on stealing something, steal an item that is not only the lowest rung of the culinary food chain, but an item that needs preparation before eating? One aisle over there were ready made sandwiches, sushi, drinks, yogurt etc. Top Ramen seems like a bad choice if you are really hungry.

No. I subscribe to the idea that this man needed that Ramen. This wasn't a crime of passion. This was a cold and calculated robbery, only exacerbated by the fact that the 27¢ is amortized over the rest of the products in the store ultimately hitting us, the law-abiding consumers in our pockets.

Next time I see McCoy, I'll let him know. There is no statute of limitations* on Ramen.

*'Statute of limitations' is used here to mean shelf life.

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If You Take It That Way, It Must Be Friday('s).

A little over a week ago I was looking for a place to eat before a concert with some friends. The concert, Morrissey, was at Radio City Music Hall, which culinary-wise is in no man's land. At least not if you're on a budget.

After walking around for half an hour, we settled on an old stand-by. Let's be clear. Very clear. We were hungry and our choices were limited by time and money. As we walked west, we found ourselves in Times Square. In a pinch, we ran into T.G.I.Friday's.

I say in a pinch because, lets face it, out of 3x10³² restaurants, I picked fk'n Friday's.

After sitting down and perusing the menu, we noticed something was awry. Having lived in Michigan and eaten at Friday's on more than one mall occasion I was familiar with the pricing scheme of their menu. I clearly wasn't in Michigan anymore.

Prices were more than doubled. Then it dawned on me. Those from out of town were being charged a premium to not venture out of their familiar dining habits. The big bad city wouldn't eat them alive emotionally because they can eat in the family-friendly red and white striped safety zone. Instead Friday's would rip them off royally.

Well not us. We folded up our picturesque menus and headed out. The waiter took one look at us, and said - no joke - "I don't blame you."

So last night, I'm watching T.V. and I noticed something I've never noticed before. Perhaps I took it for granted, but never again. The advertisement was for the Jack Daniel's Chicken, starting at $10.99. "Starting at"...I've seen that a lot. I didn't think much of it, probably because I was eating at a "Starting at" location. I certainly wasn't going to eat at an "Ending at" Friday's. That's for sure.

Sure enough, on the T.V. and the website is a bit of fine print qualifying the "Starting at" doctrine.

Next time anyone visits me from out of town, I'm just gonna mug them in the airport when I pick them up, that way it softens the blow.

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Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go To The Curb-Curb.

When I buy new technology, I stockpile the old. And in 600 sqft apartment, that's the fk'n stupidest thing you can do. So what do I do with all this awesome, and reasonably priced to move, crap.

Some of it is good stuff -- usable, enjoyable, functional. Some of it is useless, pointless, crap...uh...less.

My brother says I should just chuck it. But it's hard to chuck those things you spent your hard earned money on. I have monitors, PDA's, cellphones, computers and a laptop. There's a cable modem, and wires like you wouldn't believe. I guess I could ebay it. But to ship this stuff makes the price almost not worth while, well, not the monitors anyway.

I keep thinking, "I might use this again someday," but I know that's a crock. Take my recent iBook purchase. There is no way I will ever crack open my old G3 powerbook ever again.

I'm such a fk'n pack rat.

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Finally, I Can Blame The Equipment (Or Lack Thereof)

As a budding DJ and one who has some rhythm, I couldn't figure for the life of me why I sucked at beatmatching.

I had read on many-a-forum that it takes 1 week to 6 months (on average) to gain this skill and furthermore to rock any abode. I was clearly failing miserably.

After going to the Beastie Boys show this weekend and watching Mix Master Mike spin the wheels of steel so perfectly, I decided to return to the world of the forum to find a remedy for my problem. And it appeared: You (I) can't beatmatch in headphones alone.

For $3.99 I bought a stereo connection coupler from Radio Shack and set up some monitors with old computer speakers. 20 minutes later, I was beat matching.

Scott had told me about this a long time ago and I ignored it because coming up with some monitor speakers was an expense I wasn't ready to carry. Goes to show you. Sometimes it pays not to skimp.

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I Eat Pieces of RAM Like You For Breakfast.

I've heard from Stephen and George that I should be a discerning buyer when it comes to RAM and my new system. Good advice...I guess....am I looking for a good brand? Sturdy track record? Delicious fruit filling?

After speaking to my friend Eusuf,( who, after our conversation, I assume reads RAM trade magazines) he introduced me to the RAM feature: CAS LATENCY (CL).

In sum, for those who don't know, and I've only recently found out given a crap, RAM is set up in a grid. Cas Latency is a unit used to measure the time it takes to jump between columns on the memory chip. Feel free to clarify in the comments if you'd like, cause the details are quite in-con-se-quen-tial.

Anywho, RAM producers tout that their RAM is better then the competitor due to their better CL rating. 3, 2.5, 3, 2-2-2-5-1 etc. I've read a little about it, and it looks like the jury is still out how much of a performance boost you get from the lower numbers.

I called up Apple to ask them what the CL rating is for the chips they plan on installing in my new hotness. They passed me to tech support. They in turn emailed me a totally unrelated document about L2/L3 Cache.

It just seems to me that with the expense inherent in buying Apple, one might expect that they would maintain the hotness inside and out.

That being said, I'm going to wait until the computer comes to check out the CL rating of the RAM by cracking the case and reading the label. But even then, I'm not sure if I would spend the extra $20-$50 per chip for better rated CL RAM if I never would have known about it in the first place.

I guess I have Eusuf to thank to make my already neurotic purchasing process that much more crazy. [Thanks Eusuf]

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The New Hotness, Meet The Old Suckiness.

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At Time Warner, We're Smarter Than You.

As usual, something has gone wrong with my internet access. And while I usually don't like to rant about poor customer service, this time, I feel justified.

My problem is simple, every 20-30 minutes the modem reboots. This is only really a problem when I'm using the internet, or my phone. i.e. Working.

So I calls them up, casual like. "Hi, I'm having a problem with my connection, my modem reboots every so often."

Time Warner: Do you have it connected up to a router, because we don't support routers and that's probably causing the problem. Disconnect the modem from the router, connect it to your computer, restart the router and restart the computer.

Davidissimo: Alright, give me a second (Time passes)....Alright. Done. The modem's trained and I have connectivity.

TW: Let me run a quick diagnostic. (Time passes) Sir, there doesn't seem to be a problem and there is no outage in the area. I suggest that you keep it connected to one computer and monitor it for 24 hours. If the problem still happens give us a call back.

DW: Alright, so there is nothing you can do. I mean, of course its working now, but give it a few minutes and it will reboot.

TW: Well, I'm not showing anything. So give us a call back and let us know.

(Hang Up)

Naturally 10 minutes later, the modem starts acting up again. I don't need to wait f'king 24 hours to know this thing is jenked.

TW: How can I help you.

DW: Yeah, so I called about 10 minutes ago about my modem. I keeps rebooting. I unplugged it, attached it to one computer, the lady ran her diagnostic-whatever-you-do found nothing and told me to call back if the problem keeps happening. Well...It happening.

TW: So what do you want me to do?

DW: What are you talking about. I have service *through Time Warner* the modem is *your equipment*. I want you to fix it.

TW: How would you like me to fix it?

DW: (Silence)

DW: Are you serious?

TW: I can send a technician out.

DW: And what's he going to do?

TW: He will take a look.

DW: At what? I have a modem, its not working. Will he replace the modem?

TW: I don't know sir. He will come out and work on the problem.

DW: Great, that's just great. So that's all you got?

TW: Yes sir, that's all we can do....I have an appointment on Thursday the 14th...

DW: Fine, whatever, I'll take it.

TW: Thank you for using Time Warner Cable.

DW: Right.

(Hang's Up)

Unf'king believable.

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MNN: An Insomniac's Paradise.

While Dave Attell's Insomniac is certainly required watching for anyone planning on staying up all night and going out, it doesn't reach out to those people planning on staying up all night and not having fun due to stress, too much caffeine and/or other keeper-uppers.

Enter MNN, New York's O.G. Video Blog. It's public access. On crack. While pouring heroin into it's eyes. On a unicycle.

For a nominal fee, and no real choice in time slot, you can put whatever you want on TV. Take the Checkerboard Kids, one of the longer running shows on MNN. A variety hour filled with ska and irreverence, its one of the better produced slots on MNN. Tonight? Guest stars SonicUke.

There's the guy who plays records while bouncing his Gund bear in front of the sleeve. Not bad, but doesn't go far enough. Then there is Miss So-and-So (I forgot her name): a guy who has painted a face upside-down on his chin, still using his mouth as a mouth, and complete with wig waxing poetic on anything. And she eats. 29 minutes of sheer delight.

It would be virtually impossible for me to describe the brilliance which is free reign television, so I figured that I would just show you. I don't recall the name of this show. I'm sure it's not important. But I think you can admit that it...is...amazing.

There was one show, in my youth, that I used to watch called 'Psycho T.V.', which made underground music videos with old movie clips, heavy on the Russ Meyer and Kung Fu. But I haven't been able to find it lately.

My Friend Alex and I talked about our own show. We were going to call it "Dancin' Shoes." But like all good projects, this one never got off the ground because of laziness and apathy. Which is strange, because those exact criteria beg for this type of programming.

If you are in NYC, and you have access to this late night programming consider yourself lucky, because by morning you will be dying to get out of the house.

Other shows include: Roboshithead
Talking Meatsticks
Team Spider Television
Church of Shooting Yourself
Wild Record Collection
Outside My Window
A Show for the People
Mr. Greg
To the Hills
Lake Ivan Exists
Jack E. Jett
Knit Bootie

Sorry about the video clip quality, I recorded it on my digital camera.

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